A "guy" thing.

"It's a guy thing, you wouldn't understand." It was said teasingly, with laughter and I was laughing when I countered with "You'd be surprised."

But I swallowed the rest of it and it stung like poison-coated caltrops as it went down my throat. So here's what I really wanted to say:

I understand exactly how the patriarchy has conditioned cis men to think that violent interaction is the only acceptable course for them to bond with each other. It's one of our greatest failings that we deny our boys the ability to be caring and nurturing with each other and themselves. It has damaged our society in so many ways that we have paid for generation after generation and continue to pay for in an endless number of bloody conflicts.

It is a guy thing, in the same way the "loneliness epidemic" is a guy thing. A social problem we have created through a myriad of ways where cis women are expected to carry the load of the emotions, provide for the stability of their home, and be the only person their cis hetero husband can confide in about any and all issues. (if they ever even open up that much) We equate intimacy with sex to an unhealthy degree, and any hint of intimacy between cis males must only take place as violence - be it verbal or physical, real or a joke.

I could have talked about the constructs of gender being a social performance we all engage in and how smacking each other is such an integral part of it that we don't even think about it being strange. How we go from teaching babies not to hit to telling young girls that a boy likes them if he hits her because the acceptable intimate language of cis men is violence. Where we laugh when boys roughhouse because that's "normal" but tell them not to cry because crying is for girls. Where girls can like dinosaurs but boys can't like butterflies. Where young men are discouraged from talking about their problems with each other because it has been deemed "weak" to admit you sometimes feel alone in the world.

I could have said: Yes, I do understand, I spent years trying to be a boy in a million different ways before I ever understood just what being trans meant. I spent a decade plus in a kung fu dojo where affection was displayed by punches and kicks and takedowns. I understand the role that playful violence holds in our society, especially when so much of the media tells us that being soft and gentle is not acceptable for cis men.

I love Helldivers, and the kick emote is one of the many hilarious things they've added to this game. It's a game that doesn't take itself seriously on any level. And maybe that's part of why I held my tongue, because no one wants a sudden discourse on gender identities while trying to say goodnight.

Though in fairness you all seem to hug each other in the game just as much as you kick each other. You all seem like decent people who genuinely care about those around you and maybe you are having those conversations already. I can acknowledge that while behavior in a game is a decent indicator of a person's mindset, it's not the entire picture. (and a well-placed kick is really fucking funny at times)

After all, I still haven't said anything directly to any of you about how I'm not a girl. I danced close to the line last night, but in the end chose to stay silent. I don't know, one of these days I may decide otherwise.

Love,
K