Being Too Much

Author note #1: So I talked about the Avs' loss in the Western Conference Finals over in a public post on my Patreon - Man, THAT sucked - feel free to check that out for some ruminations on being a fan but not a fanatic and why I feel like the emphasis on winning everything is sort of toxic. (And also if you want to join the Patreon crew I've got weekly blog posts over there, short stories and a private Discord server all available for as little as $1/month, you help pay for my health insurance, thanks!)

Author note #2: This newsletter proved to be more challenging to write than expected. Sorry about nothing last week, this one is longer than normal.

This month is my 2 year anniversary on Helldivers and July is my year anniversary of going to my gym. All three of these things - two online communities and one "real" one - got me thinking about friendships, communities, and the constant insecurity that comes from having social anxiety.

I am too much. I get attached too easily. I babble about nonsense. I fixate and info dump. I am highly empathic in a way that is sometimes excruciatingly painful. I am socially awkward. I have to make a conscious effort to keep up with people. I also have to make a conscious effort to get to know people better (because I'm often afraid to ask those curious questions at the risk of being "weird"). I often feel like people don't like me as much as I like them and am endlessly surprised when presented with evidence to the contrary. You're telling me people think about me? Even say nice things about me when I'm not there? Sounds fake.

I was talking with a friend weeks ago about navigating friendships and relationships. Including flirting (harmless and with intent), something I have been phenomenally bad at most of my life and only recently seem to have gotten a handle on recognizing and choosing to engage with - yay autism! 😆 It's just always so challenging, but more and more feels so important. A lack of closeness, of understanding, of community just makes everything feel so much more difficult. I love the internet because it's brought me a number of amazing people, and it's also so easy to never make it past that first initial layer of friendship online.

And for someone who truly believes that the universe puts people in our lives, I feel like I've been doing a disservice to the gift of friendship by not making an effort to make it past that surface interaction into deeper relationships. (talking platonic ones here for the most part but honestly all of it as well) Life is too fucking short, too fragile. People are gone in an instant and leaving important things unsaid seems like such a waste.

It's difficult, I know. I posted a thing on Bsky the other day: "Do you tell your friends you love them, or are you a coward?" And the number of people who honestly, vulnerably, responded with "coward" was really high. There's no judgement from me on that because I know that feeling, I still struggle with it. If you've never seen Brené Brown's famous TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability, spend 20 minutes and watch it. (If you have, watch it again.) In there she talks about her shame research and finding out that people who live joyous lives are more willing to be vulnerable. "They just talked about it (vulnerability) being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say 'I love you' first. The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees."

[I love everything I've read of Brené Brown's work, Daring Greatly remains one of my favorites and I recommend reading it.]

Posting that lead me to Brown's most recent podcast and this: (paraphrased) "Make the love you have accessible to the world." Which is great advice, but also dangerous for someone with a history of setting themself on fire to keep other people warm. I've spent a good chunk of my life being useful to people because that's the best way to keep them around. I spent almost a decade taking care of everyone but myself and neighbors, boy did that not turn out well. Ironically it wasn't until I disengaged that things got better. But then I struggled to reengage and the pandemic certainly didn't help with those efforts.

I have spent so much of my life online, and I love it. I truly do. I've made friends over books and hockey and Helldivers; Horizon Zero Dawn and scifi podcasts but there always exists a wonder of just how much impact these relationships have at times? If I don't know your birthday, your allergies, your favorite breakfast food are we really friends? (this is sort of tongue in cheek but also...I feel like it's important to know the little details about people you'd call friends)

Words change meaning all the time, no matter what anyone else tries to claim. They are not static things. Friends is one of those things that covers such a wide range of relationships and and in social media space it's even more vague. Because I am a person who lives for organization, for me there are acquaintances, friends, good friends, family. It's less a conscious ranking system so much as a vibe. Honestly folks bounce around sometimes depending on what's happening in our lives. But working through the ranks is normal - time changes things, life changes things, we all go through periods of withdrawal and disconnection.

However sometimes there's just that immediate feeling that people get me and I have to work really hard not to be weird about it all. (shoutout to Sarah W for that long ago "hey, this was easier in grade school but do you want to be friends" and I said "yes, please!" Just, fair warning, if you're in my orbit when you hit family status you're usually stuck there. * laughs * Sorry, not sorry about that.

But man, life being what it is it is SO DAMN HARD to keep up with people. With specific rarity there are a handful of people I talk to almost every day, most everyone else is weekly or monthly or every few months. I do feel like I've done a much better job reaching out this year, because I just really want to cultivate some friendships with people I care about.

I think one of the reasons I love writing found families so damn much is that it's this little pocket of forever contained in a story. Where you don't have to worry about the long term struggle of staying in touch or what happens after the dust settles and everyone goes their separate ways. The new book is about losing that and finding it again in a number of ways and how important it is to have people who anchor us. How important it is to tell the people in our lives that we love them and they matter to us. Even if you get hurt in the process. Even if they end up not loving you back. It's worth it.

Love,
K

Currently Reading: 
Generation Kill by Evan Wright 

Currently Listening: 
My brain has insisted on playing Good Boy - Paris Paloma and The Fate of Ophelia by Taylor Swift on an endless loop. I'm low key not mad about it?

But also, if you have access to Amazon streaming, you can check out my latest playlist Bad Ideas

Where you can find me these days:
Bluesky: @kbwagers.com
Instagram: @midwaybrawler
Discord: @greenskywarning
Patreon: kbwagers