Demolition Pants

I have been playing a lot of Helldivers2 lately. For one it's my current ADHD fixation, for two there's something very oddly soothing about playing a cloned grunt fighting for a fascist state with no thought in their head beyond getting the mission done and extracting with those precious samples.

Is it political? Oh my sweet liberty yes it is. Satire of the highest order.

As a trans person in the world, I spend a lot of time deciding how to interact with the world. When to push back about my use of they/them pronouns. When to correct readers who add me to "women in scifi" lists. (thankfully that one hasn't happened in a while) When to speak out, speak up. Moreso nowadays than I ever thought I would have to, that's for sure.

Being a female presenting genderqueer person holds with it a lot of privilege - I can hide in plain sight when I need to, for example, in ways that some of my siblings can't. I still use the "ladies" restroom when a gender neutral one isn't available in large part so that I can defend anyone who needs it from creepy genital police. (seriously, if you're super concerned about sharing a bathroom with a trans woman, go home and use your own bathroom, we just want to pee in peace)

But Helldivers.

Now I play with friends most of the time. People who know me outside of the game. People who love me. People who use the right pronouns. But the more I play the game, the more I've interacted with strangers who've become ... Helldiver pals? I suppose that's the best way to label it. They don't know me outside the game and most of our conversations are very surface level or "I'm sorry I dropped a 500kg bomb on your head."

So I get misgendered a LOT by people I play with, those who are just pals rather than friends, because I sound "like a girl." And I find myself reluctant to correct them. (At this point I would like to say that my friends who do make it a point to repeat whatever the Helldiver pal has said but use the right pronouns, are rockstars. I see you and thank you so so much for doing it.)

You'd think I'd be braver about it, given it's just a video game so my actual safety isn't on the line (versus the obvious calculus that has to happen in real life) and I could easily boot them off my ship or my team if things get nasty.

Maybe it's because I go to Helldivers to escape and by and large have been able to escape from the general nastiness of the outside world. And I don't want anything to sour my fun.

More and more though, it feels disingenuous and part of me wonders if these pals would continue to tease and flirt and show up to fight with me if they knew who I really was.

I look at the world and fear the answer is no. But I also look at my friends, my real friends and know that it's the pals fucking loss if they can't hang with us. Because we are awesome and we love each other for who we are.

* cue music and voiceover * Helldivers.