Pieces of Cloud

“This is how I would die
into the love I have for you:
As pieces of cloud
dissolve in sunlight.”
- Rumi

It's important to me to tell you that I love you. It's not only because you are a living being and deserving of such things. It's also because I care about you as a person. I am no bodhisattva, I still struggle with the practice of extending compassion and love to all, but especially the terrible ones. Yet, I do still believe that everyone deserves it and the world would be better if everyone could open themselves up to that.

But you, if you're reading this, I want you to know that I love you. Because you are you. Because you are amazing. Because you are doing good work in this world. Because you are speaking up for what is right. Because you are practicing kindness and care even in the midst of such difficult times. Because you are surviving. Because you are still here.

I know so much of Western culture struggles with the concept of Love. We've put it on a pedestal, made it untouchable and sacred, tried to reserve it only for limited use as if when the expression of it is scattered like wildflower seeds that will somehow diminish it and not leave a field filled with a riot of colors in the wake of a rainstorm.

I used to be the same way. I would worry about saying "I love you" to people. Worry they would get the wrong idea, that I would overstep, turn people off with the unexpected intensity. I am a strange paradox - sometimes too much, too open and other times walled off from everything and everyone. (complete with spikey gate and a moat of alligators) Part of the endless journey of finding myself has been learning to say I love you more without hesitation or reservation.

The practice of tonglen in Buddhism is a cultivation of compassion. Breathing in the suffering of the world and breathing out peace. The easiest place to start is with people you love. The hardest practice of it is doing it for people you hate.

I have been so lucky in my life to largely be untouched by tragedy. The people I have lost have lived full lives and while it was painful to say goodbye, it wasn't shocking or abrupt. Still through it all, as I have struggled with saying goodbye, I have learned to say I love you more and more, for everything from the silliest of reasons to things far more serious.

The circumstances and frequency do not diminish the weight of it or the importance. Love is not a finite resource and my heart won't suddenly be empty, love poured out like water from a broken jug, if I say I love someone for a ridiculous joke. It is, instead, the endlessly cascading falls, crashing in a symphony onto the rocks below. Awe inspiring and stunning in the magnificence of it all.

a pause while River demands snuggles

Love sometimes means letting your cat completely derail your train of thought because she needed to be held for a few minutes. * laughs * I think I was going to slide into a conversation about platonic love and how often it shows up in my writing, but it's sort of slipped away. I do enjoy writing all manner of relationships with love, everything from intimate to comrades-in-arms. There's something very satisfying about writing characters who just match, like they've found part of their soul, or an echoing spark that lights them up. It's one of my favorite things, that deep and enduring bond that can happen when people open up.

I have promised myself that if I do nothing else in this life I want to live as true to myself as I can. And a large part of that is living joyously, loving fearlessly, and giving all the people in my orbit the space to do the same. So thanks for being here. Thanks for sharing this life with me. I love you.

K