Schrödinger's Queer

Buckle up, folks, this one is personal.

I was 42 when I came out, which is something that will forever fill me with amusement. That is, after all, the answer to life, the universe, and everything - so it makes perfect sense that it all went down that way.

The reality is that was just the announcement day, when I finally got the courage together to out myself to the rest of the world (or my limited engagement with it). When I realized that as an author whose work was slowly trending toward more queer characters and subject matter, I had a responsibility to my audience as much as myself to my readers to be as open as possible about something I'd much rather not talk about. The fact that my editor at the time was one of the first to see my tweet and immediate message me to see about changing my bio remains a gesture I will forever be grateful for.

I am among the luckier ones, I wasn't forcibly outed by readers clamoring to know if I was writing from personal experience. I wasn't harassed and hounded to share something that put my life and my relationships in jeopardy. My family loves me, my friends love me - all of me, not just the parts of me that they saw for the first few decades of my life. (I hilariously never formally came out to my parents, it just sort of became accepted knowledge.)

Because the reality is that for me, being queer has always been at the heart of me, I just never realized there were words for all the things I was feeling growing up. I was 40 before I was presented with the terms that described sometimes feeling like a girl, sometimes not, always not caring a whole lot about it and feeling very out of place whenever I was "forced" to chose. I was 40 when my best friend made a joke about me being the "token straight" in a group and something about it pinched so sharply I couldn't ignore it anymore, even as I struggled to figure out how it wasn't true. After all, I was married to a guy at the time, so obviously that meant I was straight, right?

Oh, sweet summer child, no.

We fool ourselves into boxes sometimes. When there's no example or words to describe how we feel so we just pack it away and try to forget about it until something comes along and blows a great hole in the side of it, letting in sunlight and fresh air. That part is a blessing and for those who don't have to live part of their lives in the public sphere, it's likely the most you'll have to do.

When I talk about this in public, I say I'm queer. In large part because there's no space for an extended discussion, but also because the more private, personal side of this is that it's incredibly vulnerable for me to have a conversation about what that entails. The nuance of being genderfluid, the awkwardness of being asexual 90% of the time, how strange it is to explain to people that voices are attractive but bodies rarely are beyond an aesthetic appreciation. That brains and heart are so much more important than anything else. It's hard to explain way I can love people an instant after meeting them and that being touch-averse a lot of the time means if I hug you it's because I trust you not to hurt me.

But all of this comes out in bits and pieces, during interviews or conversations online. It started showing in my writing even before I realized I was doing it. When I did though, I made the choice that if I was going to do this public-facing part of my career, I was going to be myself and nothing less. The emails and conversations I've had from people who've found their way to themselves because of that tells me I did the right thing, even as this world continues to try and punish all of us for being ourselves.

I think what these people refuse to acknowledge is that humans are complex creatures. We are not one thing or the other, we are multiple, sometimes contradicting things, all at once. We exist in a state of unknowns until, like Schrödinger's cat, we are observed. I suppose that can be a scary way of looking at the world for people who want certainty and to be able to line people up neatly into categories. For me, I think it's fun and exciting, and more than a little freeing to just be okay with the shifting and changing nature of being me.

Take care of yourselves, you matter and I'm glad you're here.

Love,
K

Where you can find me these days:
Bluesky: @kbwagers.com
Instagram: @midwaybrawler
Discord: @greenskywarning
Patreon: kbwagers