Wandering the Wasteland

...looking for a hand to hold.

This may be a weird rambling newsletter so buckle in folks and listen to what it's like to be queer. (singular perspective only, not a monolithic opinion on queerness)

Humans, man. We're desperate to make sense of the world. Put things in neat little boxes and structure. Label things to an inch of their lives so that our brains can go "yup, that fits here." We try to ignore the fact that life is so much messier than that. Things change, we grow, we're so rarely one thing but little stitched together pieces of all the people in our lives and all the experiences we've had. Dreams and desires and a chaotic Venn diagram of belonging.

I call myself queer because it's far easier than saying I'm a trans, genderqueer, married, poly, aceflux, mostly demisexual human who easily falls in love with people but rarely has any sexual attraction or desire to engage in such activities. Also, like 99% of the time people don't need to know that on first meeting, right? It's a deeper conversation for when the topics come up - as they tend to do in queer spaces far more than straight ones - or when something shifts in a relationship to make such conversations necessary. Basically every conversation results in: "No, there is too much, let me sum up." unless I know you really well. * laughs *

Relationships are complicated for me. In large part because people are complicated for me. They always have been. I'd rather watch than engage in groups, I'm slow to trust and open up - which often comes across as snobby or standoffish. As I said, I fall in love too easily and it's so rarely reciprocated. It doesn't help that our society often equates that with wanting to have sex but that's just not the case for me. I just want to be in your orbit, give you hugs, maybe lay in a cuddle pile and look at the stars. I do feel like the world would definitely be better if platonic love was more celebrated and more easily admitted. (especially among straight cis men for fuck's sake - hug your buddies, guys, tell them you love them, ask if they're okay - I promise it won't hurt)

I also have a hefty dose of social anxiety, massive trust issues, and a tendency to be super awkward in social settings. This made being a teenager hell and being an adult kind of isolating to be honest. Though the internet has made it so much better on some fronts. It's easier to find a bunch of social awkward nerds and queers, for example. But it's also far harder to both find people to hang out with in "real" life and to really get to know each other better.

It took me SO LONG to come to terms with who I am, in large part because of a lack of information, but the moment I got it? I grabbed onto it with both hands. I'm so happy for (and sometimes jealous) of kids these days having so much information and help available to them to put voice to the ways they are feeling. Along with the constant knowledge that we change. We are not static beings trapped in one format our whole lives, we can find new words and new ways to describe how we look at and interact with the world.

I fall in love (am attracted to? eh I guess in as much as that's a thing for me) with voices more than looks, with senses of humor and shared intellect. Heh, thank you Helldivers for giving me an earful of delightful voices on the daily. I care deeply about people but also feel like I am easily overlooked and forgotten about. My insecurities constantly pop up about not being anyone's priority and I spent a long time wrestling with the whole "if I provide things for people they'll like me more" issue. (It's even worse when you lose friendships the moment you stop being useful, and it feels like every fear has been proven wrong.)

Man, when you're in my orbit you're IN. I joke sometimes about people being stuck with me, and it's only partially a joke. Though the door is always there and I've had people walk out of it before, I miss them but that's life. But if I decide you're one of my people? It's a given I'd do anything for you, all you need to do is ask.

I've become more comfortable with this idea of living my life with an open heart over the years. Though fighting against that inherent mistrust is always something that's pulling me the other direction. But, to quote Doctor Who "Iife is short and you are hot." The world is cold and mean enough, I don't need to add to it. I'd much rather try to inject as much kindness and care as I can with the time that I have left.

But being queer in a world where the dominant social expectations are skewed makes for the necessity of labels and discussions and reassurances (in some cases) more often than not. At least when you spend time hanging out with cis straight people. * laughs * Which, whew is always a departure from queer spaces. I'm making it part of my default to continue to speak up and make a lot of these things more common though. It's good for them and good for us.

I hope you're all doing well and taking care of yourselves and your communities as best as you are able. These are dark and difficult times, with fascist goons loose in the streets and running our government. Be careful. Be smart. Don't back down.

Love,
K

Important hockey note: The Colorado Avalanche are 33-4-7 as of the writing of this newsletter.

Currently Reading: 
Nobody Passes: Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity - edited by Mattilda aka Matt Bernstein Sycamore
The Bone Raiders - Jackson Ford

Currently Listening: 
Ready For It? - Taylor Swift 
Caramel - Sleep Token

Where you can find me these days:
Bluesky: @kbwagers.com
Instagram: @midwaybrawler
Discord: @greenskywarning
Patreon: kbwagers