When the World Hurts
Apologies for missing last week, I have not been in the greatest of headspaces and scratching out some form of newsletter was just beyond my abilities. Also the following newsletter talks about faith, and while I'm not proselytizing in the slightest I know it can be difficult topic for folks so feel free to skip it.
The universe is chaotic neutral. Things don't happen for a reason, they just happen. Good ones. Bad ones. There's no karmic justice. The bad guys often get away with all sorts of shit and the worst things happen to the best people for no damn reason at all. I long ago gave up on the idea of a just and loving God who watches over us.
Somewhat haphazard Buddhist I may be, but the reality of life and suffering* and that it is our duty to make things better not only for ourselves but everyone else is something I take seriously. I don't talk about it a lot probably because it is so important to me and those are the sort of things I don't often share on a wider stage.
It's not that life is suffering. It's that there is suffering in life. But we can fix it, make it better, find a better way to live so there's not as much of it or even one day eradicate it all.
Looking at the world right now it's hard to believe anything beyond the first one, I know. The genocide. The insidious cruelty. The hardship. I've hit an age where friends are dealing with the loss of parents. Where we're all dealing with the loss of friends. Where the worries about kids and the future seem to choke out everything else. All the bullshit aches and pains that being alive brings with it. (look I am grateful for the being alive part but the joints could calm the fuck down some)
A decade ago I had a thriving mediation practice. The election put a nasty spike in that wheel and it took me a really long time to get back to it. But the last few years have been consistent and in addition I practice Tonglen (usually right before bed but occasionally just anywhere it's needed).
This is a simple practice and yet not. You are doing nothing more than breathing in the hurt - of a specific person or the world - and then breathing out peace and healing. But this is a challenge because breathing in pain hurts. This is a compassion practice and for someone who's tear ducts are overachievers to begin with it's an exercise in where do you put all this pain? (because you are not supposed to be holding onto to it but ha, for someone who wants to fix things and gets a little grasping about it all, that's a lesson in restraint and letting go)
Tonglen is easily done for people we love. Far more challenging is people we are indifferent to. And advanced level shit involves Tonglen practice for those we hate. I am not a Bodhisattva, not by any stretch of the imagination. * laughs * There are certain people I doubt I'll ever be able to do that for.
I honestly generally feel better for having done this, even if I often end up crying. (the tear ducts do what they want) Truth be told I don't mind crying and I'm long past feeling like I should be embarrassed or ashamed for caring. The world is a difficult place and caring about each other is the only way we get through it.
If you're interested in learning more about this practice here's a good primer: Pema Chödrön on how to practice Tonglen meditation.
I hope you're all taking care of yourselves and your communities as best as you are able.
Love,
K
Currently Reading:
Kaikeyi by Vaishavi Patel
On Repentance and Repair by Danya Ruttenberg
Currently Listening:
Butterflies - Gabbie Hanna (cw: blood, fake butterflies)
Head Above Water - Avril Lavigne
Lost Without You - Freya Ridings
Where you can find me these days:
Bluesky: @kbwagers.com
Instagram: @midwaybrawler
Discord: @greenskywarning
Patreon: kbwagers