I trust this will hurt.
I apparently look like a trustworthy human.
Yesterday I stopped at Target to grab a few things after the gym. As I walked up to the doors, lavender hair disheveled, Avalanche hoodie needing a wash, probably not smelling great, a person stopped me. "I'm so sorry but I have a really strange favor to ask," they said. "My kid just had his wisdom teeth out and I need to run into the pharmacy to get his meds but I don't want to leave him alone, would you mind watching him for a minute?" They gestured at the nearby car. "I've got the air conditioner on. He's just really out of it."
I said sure, got the kid's name and then hung out on the sidewalk texting friends about my weird life for a few minutes until they came back. There was a flurry of thanks and some gift cards pressed into my hands and then we parted ways.
As I sit here this morning retelling this I think about how this is what community means. Small gestures that help. This family lives somewhere in my town and even though I'll likely never see them again, it matters to have been there in that place and time.
We can engage or walk away. Every choice matters.
I was talking to a friend the other day about how I always feel pretty rubbish at making friends. (yes yes I get the irony of that statement, just stay with me) There is a constant anxiety in me that I'm too much, too open and also too distant, too guarded.
It always seems like an overshare to explain to people that it's important to me to just open up and tell people when they matter because I don't want anyone going through life thinking they don't. I don't know why? It's not some earth-shattering thing, it's just basic human kindness. Right?
But some people react poorly, some people don't want that kind of honesty. It makes them think ... I don't even know for sure because the discussion doesn't happen, the door just gets closed. I am not one to stand there and pound on a closed door wailing for someone to open it.
And look, this world is hard for connection. We're all exhausted. We're all struggling. The internet makes it both easier and harder to get to know people. It takes effort to get to know people beyond the surface, I get it, believe me. That's scary because it also means opening ourselves up to the hurt that's sort of inevitable when we bare the real versions of ourselves to each other. No one can hurt you like the people you make yourself vulnerable to and it's sort of a given that it will happen at some point.
I used to avoid it and sometimes I still do, just sort of instinctively puff up like one of those poisonous little blowfish and go all spiky. But I try so hard the majority of the time to just accept that the hurt will come and it's better to be open to it because the trade off is worth it.
Anyhow, we shot humans into space and they went around the moon. Even with all the bullshit down here on Earth there are four people in space who get how amazing this all is. [Go check out the NASA photo gallery, it's just amazing.]
Come see me at Ravencon if you're in the area. There will probably be cake as it's my 50th birthday on the 25th of April. (Honestly, that's wild. I don't really feel 50 - well, my left shoulder and hip maybe, my knees in the morning... * laughs *)
Take care of yourselves, I love you.
K
Important hockey note: The Colorado Avalanche are 50-16-10 as of the writing of this newsletter and have clinched both the Central Division and the Western Conference. Home ice for the playoffs, baby!
Currently Reading:
The Tell-Tale Heart and Other Writings by Edgar Allan Poe
Mother Night by Kurt Vonnegut
Shut it Down: Stories from a Fierce, Loving Resistance by Lisa Fithian
Currently Listening:
Hamilton Soundtrack & the Mix Tape
Árstíðir - Heyr himna smiður (Icelandic hymn) in train station
Where you can find me these days:
Bluesky: @kbwagers.com
Instagram: @midwaybrawler
Discord: @greenskywarning
Patreon: kbwagers